Moving On
by isis whit
Summary: Jack is dead, Sam's world seems broken into pieces... what now?


'Moving On' Disclaimer: The "Profiler" characters belong to The Powers That Be at NBC, and I'm only borrowing them for a little fun. I promise not to do too much damage :-). 

Rating: PG-13 

'Moving On' 

by [isis_whit][1]

It was over. Time stood still. Dancing shadows from the old trees overshadowed the graveyard. Sam had stopped in some distance to her car. She was looking at her daughter, who was sitting in the back seat. Slowly, Chloe turned her head and looked back at her mother. Sam tilted her head a little and smiled, her eyes speaking. Everything's gonna be okay, they seemed to say. Chloe put a hand on the car window, her face the mirror of Sam's. The same blue eyes with a veil of sadness over them, a brave smile on her lips, just like her mother. It was over. 

Bailey felt the bond between those two was palpable, unbreakable. Not even Jack was able to break it, and not for the lack of trying. He gently touched her elbow. She turned her head without looking at him and nodded. She handed him the keys and walked toward the car without letting her eyes from Chloe. 

She sat beside her daughter and Bailey climbed in the driver's seat. With a bullet removed from his right shoulder only a few days before, he wasn't supposed to drive, but right now, he couldn't care less. He just had to make sure they would be okay. 

Looking into the rear mirror, he saw his two passengers holding hand. They rode in silence, everybody caught up in her own thoughts about what had happened. Before they realized it, Bailey pulled into the driveway of Sam's Buckhead home. He escorted them to the front door but hesitated to enter. He wanted to give them some time alone but Sam asked him in. 

Inside, Chloe asked her mom if she could take a little nap, even if it was late afternoon. Sam told her she thought it was a good idea. 

"Why don't you just go lay down, and I'll be with you in a minute and tuck you in. If you want," Sam quickly added. 

"I'd like that." Chloe approached Bailey hesitantly. "Thank you," she plainly said, then she took his hand and squeezed it. 

He caressed her hair and gave her an encouraging smile before she went upstairs. Sam tucked her hair behind her ears and turned towards Bailey. She reached into her bag. 

"I guess you need to have these," she said and offered him her FBI credentials. He took the wallet with her badge and the VCTF keycard from her hand. The moment he touched it, he knew she wouldn't want to have it back ever again. 

Yet he said, "I'm sorry, Sam. Bureau procedures, you know." 

"Yeah, I know." 

He bit his lip, searching for the right words. "So, I think I better go and give you some time. We can talk later." 

When he started towards the door, Sam grabbed his arm and stopped him. 

"No please, Bailey, could you... could you just stay a little while? I'll just tuck Chloe in, it won't take long." 

He hesitated. 

"Please?" 

He nodded resignedly, unsure if his presence in the house was such a good idea at the moment. But then, he couldn't just leave either. 

"Hey, sweetie." Sam entered Chloe's room and sat on the bed beside her. Gently, she stroked the girl's hair. They didn't speak for quite a while. 

"Mom?" 

"What's up, Chlo?" 

Chloe propped herself up on her elbows. "Mom, I was so scared." 

"Yeah I know, sweetie. I was scared, too. But we don't have to be afraid any more. It's over." 

"He is dead, isn't he?" she asked, avoiding Sam's eyes as if she knew who had finally fired the bullet that killed Jack. 

"I'm so sorry, mom." 

"Listen, Chlo." Sam said, cupping Chloe's cheek. "You don't have to be sorry. You did nothing wrong, sweetie. I love you." 

She kissed her forehead and sat on the bed until Chloe had fallen asleep. Her little girl had been so much lately. Sam prayed that no nightmares would invade her sleep, at least not today. She pulled a blanket over her and left, leaving the door slightly open. 

Bailey was sitting on the creamy-white couch in the middle of the den. His left arm was flung out over the back rest and his head had dropped onto his shoulder. His eyes closed, he was breathing deeply. He still looked tense but exhaustion had finally overwhelmed him. She sat down on the other end of the couch. This little movement was enough to make Bailey jump to his feet. He pushed himself up and reached for his gun but didn't manage to pull it from the holster. Pain and dizziness shot through his body from putting too much weight on the shoulder. Lightheaded, he swayed and blinked to see through the blur. 

"Sam!" he said when he saw her. 

Bailey heavily plopped down again. He rubbed his face with his hands, trying to make the dizziness go away. He took a few deep breaths. Sam put a hand on his back. 

"I must have dazed off, I'm sorry Sam." 

Slowly, her hand moved over the tense muscles of his back. 

"I know it." 

"You know what?" 

"Grace told me." 

He looked away embarrassed when he realized what she was talking about. 

"I know you have released yourself from the hospital. I know that you didn't rest until you had found me. You jeopardized your health. Grace also told me that they had to pick you off the floor, that you didn't eat or sleep." 

He violently shook his head in protest at her words. Every word of what she had said was right, but he didn't want to hear it. "Sam, it was the least I could do. Grace shouldn't have told you." 

"I'm glad she did. And I don't know how to ever thank you for what you did for me. For us, for Chloe and me. You saved our lives. Now allow yourself some time to rest and recover." 

"I'm fine, Sam." 

"No, you're not. You're so exhausted that you fall asleep in my living room. I don't mind, that isn't the point. Thanks to you, Chloe and I are safe. Now you need to take care of yourself. Please." 

"I couldn't protect you," he numbly said. 

"It never is good enough, isn't it. You did more than anybody could. You were there for me, as long as we know each other, I could lean on you. You never gave up on me. I don't know what you're expecting from yourself, but it can hardly be anything a human being can live up to." 

He laughed out sarcastically. "If you knew..." 

"If I knew what?" 

"Never mind. It isn't important. I should go now. Gotta submit a report to D.C. Maybe they will schedule a hearing but I doubt it. I'll let you know." 

Sam was getting upset with his evasive answers. As long as they know each other, honesty was the basis of their friendship. 

"What are you not telling me?" 

"Sam please, can't you just drop it?" 

"What are you not telling me? I mean, something is wrong, I feel it. Something happened, and it's so heavy on your shoulders that it's crushing you. Let me help." 

"There's nothing you can do, Sam. Just forget that I've said anything, can you?" 

Sam got between him and the front door. She leaned against it, determined not to let him leave before he had told her whatever it was. She hated to push, but this seemed too important to let go. 

"I can't." 

"Okay, if that's what you want, you can have it," he said, anger rising in his voice. 

He grabbed her wrist and lead her back to the sofa. Sam knew she had gone one step too far. She had never seen him lose control with her that way. 

"You wanna hear, I'll tell you. Sit down," he said with a razor sharp tone. "If that's what makes you happy," he yelled. 

Sam looked at him puzzled. Then she looked upwards to the room where Chloe was sleeping peacefully. It was enough. Bailey's anger was washed away faster than it came. He sat down in an overstuffed chair facing her, ashamed of having lost control. He took a deep breath and look into her eyes. 

"I'm sorry Sam. I didn't want that. It's just... You don't know what you're asking from me," he sighed, his elbows resting on his knees. "This is so.. wrong. You thank me for whatever you think it is what I've done. But without me, none of it would have happened in the first place." 

Sam was trying to make sense of what he had said. "That's ridiculous. How can you say that? You told me a million times that I'm not responsible for what he" - from the moment on they knew Jack's real name, they had only referred to him as "he" - "for what he did. And now you tell me it's your fault? That's bull, Malone." 

"You don't understand! And how could you. I never told you..." his voice trailed off. 

"What didn't you tell me for God's sake?" 

He shook his had mechanically. "While you... were missing, we tried to figure out what he had planned. I mean, it was supposed his final move, his 'coupe de grâce'. No, I can't," he exclaimed. 

He got up abruptly, pain evident in his eyes. He turned his back on her and stared out of the window. Sam got up and stood beside him. 

"Well, I don't know. In his sick mind, he thought I was like him. So the next step was to make me see by myself," she tried to sound analytically. "He wanted me to be his soul mate." Tears welled up in her eyes when she thought back to the most horrible days of her life. 

"It's more than that, Sam. There's another reason why he made this final move. Just think. Have you ever wondered why he didn't kill me when he had the chance? It was so easy. I wasn't on my guard, he could have killed me easily, but he didn't." 

"I don't know. He told me that you were...." She just couldn't say the word. "But I refused to believe it. I wanted to believe that you're going to find me. I was just so happy when I saw you were alive. I think I never questioned why." 

Sam couldn't hold back the tears any longer. The feeling of total loneliness and emptiness she had felt when Jack had told her that he had killed Bailey, crept up her spine. 

"Sam, he didn't want to kill me. He wanted me to live. He was playing his own sick game with me, just as he was doing with you." He paused, looking for an easier way to tell her the truth. There was none. "He wanted to show me that I couldn't protect you. My failure made his triumph complete. I wonder for how long he knew..." he felt silent and bit his lip. 

"What?" 

"He must have known... the feelings I have for you:" 

Sam began to understand as Bailey's words sank in. She got closer and leaned on him, caressing his arm gently. She felt his heavy breathing as he tried to keep the sobs down. She slid her hand down his arm and took his hand, their fingers entangling. Overwhelmed by pain and guilt, his resistance broke. A deep sigh left his lips when he felt her warm body against his. He pulled her into his embrace. Nothing mattered now, it was too late to take anything back anyway. He threw his last reserve overboard. 

"I love you, Sam," he whispered. "I'm so sorry." 

She buried her face in his shoulder and cried. Three simple words had broken her heart. With trembling hands she held him close. She wanted to ease his pain. His embrace was all she had longed for. Her hands slid up his back to the back of his head. Gently, she turned his face towards her. She rested her forehead against his, both had their eyes closed. He wanted to pull back, but she didn't let him. She raised her head a little, her mouth brushing against his lips. Sighing, he turned his face away. 

"No, please, don't do that," he said hoarsely. 

He couldn't resist those soft lips any longer. One kiss, only one last kiss, he was telling himself. He hadn't tasted anything sweeter than her soft lips. They stumbled to the couch. He sat down, Sam on his lap. Face to face, he caressed her cheeks as his mind gave in to her soft touches. He felt himself losing control over his body. He squirmed under her, suddenly aware that he was tasting the fruit of the forbidden tree. He pushed her back gently. 

"Let me, Bailey," Sam whispered with her lips against his ear. 

The touch alone drove him crazy. But he knew better. He turned and let her slip from his lap. 

"No Sam, it wouldn't be right." 

"Don't you want me?" 

"Oh Sam, I only want you to be happy. This isn't... It wouldn't mean anything because you don't feel the same way I feel for you. It will only hurt both of us." 

She put her hand on his chest, right above his pacing heart. 

"I know you want to protect me like you always have. Yes, you did. But I'm not just thankful. You have to understand." Her steel blue eyes were full of passion. "I long for your touch, I want to be near you. I need you, Bailey. You know me better than anybody else, even better than I know myself. Sometimes, it scares me how well you know me. I love your smile, the sound of your voice makes me shiver. I love the warmth in your eyes, the touch of your hand on my cheek." 

Sam took his hand and put it on her cheek. His eyes were full of doubts when he looked at her. He wanted to believe but he didn't dare. Sam climbed back onto his lap and looked deeply into his eyes. She smiled. Tenderly, he caressed her face with his thumb. She put her arms on his shoulders and leaned forward. 

"You are so beautiful, Sam." 

"Just let go. It's easy. Let go, trust yourself. Trust me. I love you." 

Both were somewhat aware that Chloe was upstairs, but nothing could have stopped them now. He moaned when she pressed her body against him. He put his hands on her hips. His lips traced the line of her jaw, down from the chin to the throat. They only removed what was necessary. They found each other naturally. Quietly, slowly, they made love. Whimpering, she tried to catch her breath, and Bailey had his face buried in her blouse to muffle his moans. Covered with a blanket, they finally came to rest lying side by side, her back against his chest. She took his hand he had slipped under her blouse and held it. 

"Second thoughts?" he asked after a while. 

Sam turned over and looked at him. Caressing his face, she looked at him lovingly. 

"Still having doubts about my motives?" 

"No. I just wonder what I did to deserve you. I mean, I'm an old cynical cop with more scars than money on the bank. What would such a brilliant, sexy young woman do with me?" 

"You're talking about me?" she joked but went on more seriously, "You know, I didn't know you're insecure. You always seem so strong, in control, totally self-aware." 

"Work's something different. That's stuff I know how to deal with. But you... I don't know." 

"Well, it seemed to me you perfectly knew how to deal with me," she replied with a wicked grin. 

"You know that isn't what I meant. Whatever I've felt for you over the years, I always considered you my best friend. And, well, I never saw a sign that it was more for you." 

"I'm sorry. I know I felt strongly for you for a long time. You know, when you came to the farm to get me back into the world of the living, I was trying so hard to be angry at you. But I couldn't. I was so glad to see you." 

"I missed you, I can't tell you how much." 

"I missed you too. I don't know how to describe it. I had always admired you, not only as a cop or a profiler, but you as the person you are. You're mind is sharp like a razor blade, and yet you know your limits. I don't know many men who even admit they have limits. You're heart must be just huge, I wonder how it fits in that chest of yours. And beside all, I think you're incredibly attractive." 

He laughed and kissed her shoulder. "I'm not Tom Cruise, that's for sure." 

"Thank God you're not. He might be cute, but you're just... wow." 

"I don't think I'd ever received such a nice compliment. " 

"Not? I can hardly believe that." 

"You're a very special woman, Sam. I think today's the first day I don't regret having a weak moment. I don't think I could have lived without you." 

"It was fate. We both were ready for it." 

"Took us long enough, didn't it?" 

He kissed her again passionately. He run his hand over her skin, sliding under the fabric of her clothes. His hands were exploring her body before he even lay his eyes on it. From time to time, Sam held her breath, hit by the sensation of his touches. 

"What are you doing?" he asked when Sam started to unbutton his shirt. 

She didn't answer but instead she started sliding the shirt off his shoulders. Softly but firmly, Bailey took her wrists. 

"I don't think you wanna see this." 

"You know," she said calmly, "I might not have scars on my body, but I have quite a few on my soul, and I know you've seen all of them. And yet you love me." 

"Yes, I do." 

His hand was trembling a little when he pulled the shirt down, exposing a circular wound. The bullet had left a little hole just below the clavicle. Sam flinched and pictures of how the bullet hit Bailey flashed through her mind. She shuddered and carefully put her hand over the wound. 

He had felt the bullet. It was hot, but it didn't hurt. Time suddenly slowed down. He struggled to pull the gun and turn around but he lost control over his body. He caught a glimpse of a figure dressed all in white before he went unconscious. He smiled, but his eyes had darkened. 

"Guess I'm a little paranoid when it comes to people approaching me behind my back." 

"Well, give yourself some time to heal. We both need that." 

"Yeah. What're you gonna do?" he suddenly asked. 

Sam thought for a moment. "Well, I don't know, I really haven't figured that out yet. There was just no time to think about it." 

"You won't come back, will you?" 

"I don't know, Bailey. All I know is, I wanna be with Chloe, you know, find a way to get past this, for both of us. Maybe I'll just take some time off." 

"Whatever you're gonna do, I'm here, okay?" 

"You know, when I look back at what had happened, it's, I don't know, I just feel strange. You know, even till his very end, he had planned everything meticulously. I was only reacting. That's how it always was. He'd make a move, and we're trying to follow the best we could. Hide and seek. He wanted me to shoot him. And that's what I did. I think he would like the outcome of that." 

"You did what you had to do. It was you or him." 

"Yeah, I know. But I have to live with the fact that I've pulled the trigger. See, even now that he's dead, he still has so much power over my life, he's invaded my dreams, and look, even know in this precious moment, he's here. I want him to leave us alone, I'm ready to fight for that. And somehow I hope that when I move on, get a new focus, it's a way to take some of that power away." 

Bailey nodded and looked away. He understood, yet he was afraid of losing her. This couldn't end before it began. Sam cuddled up to him and he wrapped his arms around her. 

"Sam, I don't want to make this harder for you. I know better than anybody that our job can be very disruptive. And it's not only the crazy working hours. It's hard to understand for other people. There are dark corners in my soul and I go there too many times. You don't share that." 

"I've been there. My head feels like the attic of a very old house, dusty and way too much old stuff inside." 

"Yeah. Would be nice if you could clean out and sell off some of the useless crap on a garage flea-market." 

"Well, thanks to you I know how to do a little house cleaning from time to time." Sam laughed but Bailey looked at hear seriously. 

"Sam, I know you're tired of this. I know because I'm tired of it myself. I just can't stop, that's the difference." 

"I know." She caressed his face, shaking her head. "And I won't ask you to quit. Chloe is the priority in my life. But, Bailey, I won't leave you. I just can't. I want you and I need you." 

"What about Chloe?" 

"You're making me very happy. See, I think if I'd leave you and be unhappy, nobody wins. We will work this out. Chloe adores you, she really does. So I think I can be her full-time mother and be with you. So I won't start making you unhappy by asking you to quit because that's not what you really want to do. But Bailey, I ask for one thing though." 

"What?" 

"Take some time off. Please, get some rest, let your body recover before you go back." 

"I promise, Sam." He kissed her and his fingertips traced the line of her spine up and down. Sam giggled. 

"Remember the feeling when you fell in love for the first time? That's how I feel right now. It's like I have to look at you constantly, and when I do, I just have to smile. I also wanna sleep with you," she added whispering. 

Bailey grinned mischievously. He unbuttoned her blouse with nervous fingers. He smiled when he looked at what he had only felt with his hands so far. "So beautiful," he mumbled, covering her body with kisses. 

Sam pushed him back when the sound of a door falling shut upstairs startled them. 

"Shit," Sam hissed. 

Taken by surprise from Sam's sudden movement, Bailey had rolled on his side. He almost cried out when his shoulder touched the cushions. His face was whiter than the shirt he wore. Holding his arm close to the body, he sat up. 

"Oh no, now I've hurt you. I'm sorry...." she stuttered while trying to rearrange her hair and clothes. 

"I'll be fine, Sam." 

"Are you sure? I better go and check on Chloe, okay?" Sam said, biting her lip. "I'll be right back." 

A few minutes later, she returned to the den. Sam stifled a yawn and sat down beside him. 

"She's sleeping like a baby. Hardly moving. I take that as a good sign." 

"Yeah, I think it is." 

"You okay?" 

"Oh you mean... Yeah, I'm fine, like I told you. But maybe we should take that as a sign. Take a break, you know." 

"Oh. Probably not a good idea if she finds out that way." 

"Yeah. You know, I want you. But I will wait. I'm actually an expert in that department." 

Sam blushed. "Sorry for that." 

He kissed her gently on the cheek and got up. "Tell you what. I think we both could use some sleep." 

"Yeah, I think you're right. So, does that mean you're going home?" 

He grinned a little sheepishly. "Well, don't know.... If you don't mind, I'll sleep on the couch. I'd feel much better if I make sure you're okay." 

"Still the protector, huh? I'd rather take you upstairs with me." 

"Yeah. Maybe next time." He hugged her tightly. "Now, let's get some rest. Sleep tight." 

"With you here, I'm sure I will. Thank you, Bail." 

He smiled. "Good night. I love you, my heart." 

Copyright © 2001 by [isis_whit][1]

   [1]: mailto:isis_whit@yahoo.de



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